Love is Constructive
by Adam Kadmon
Summary: Faint heart never won fair Shinji.


Love is Constructive

Disclaimer: I do not own Evangelion

Pre-note: this is labeled Horror/Humor because Horrible Humor isn't a tag. I'm hoping to change that.

/\/\/\/\

In her thirteenth year of life Asuka Langley Soryu found herself in the unwelcome state of being in love with Shinji Ikari.

She fought it, as she fought all egregious affronts to her naturally unparalleled greatness but she was inescapably doomed to this sorry reality. She refused to call it fate. Fate implied some higher power directing events towards a desired outcome. How any kind of power could desire this outcome would only convince Asuka there was no God and mankind lived in a hellish vacuum without any hope of ever finding peace or salvation. Though rotting in the ground for all eternity might be preferable to her current sorry state.

She already had a love/hate relationship with God, in that God loved to hate her. The feeling was mutual. But this was beyond hate. This was some kind of sick sadism humans were incapable of comprehending. She watched all her dreams and aspirations die a slow, grisly death at the beautiful, perfect hands of Shinji Ikari.

_Stop that!_ Asuka screamed at herself. _Don't think about how soft and smooth they are, or what you want him to do with those long, slender fingers of his. None of that interests you at all!_

His uninteresting flawlessly gorgeous hands were currently dancing through the air as he collected and combined ingredients in Home Ec class to magically create a succulent feast. Or stir-fry. Asuka wasn't picky. As long as it wasn't curry. Misato ruined that dish for her forever. Or anything with tofu. And God help him if he made miso soup one more time.

The universe, jealous of her incomparable beauty and natural superiority, had yet again petulantly decided to punish her. The teacher had paired her with Toji, citing their respective "need to improve social interaction and cooperation." They had cooperated thus far. Asuka punched him in the back of the head and he obligingly fell unconscious.

With that distraction out of the way, she settled in to not work and keep an eye on Shinji. God only knew what he'd foul up if she wasn't constantly watching his every seductive movement. Or who would foul him up.

He was partnered with Rei who, Asuka had to admit, needed all the help she could get with everything imaginable, but forcing Shinji to lower himself to her level was a crime. And considering Shinji was already on a ridiculously low level to begin with this was some horrifically abnormal lowering.

He was helping Rei through the lesson with subtle direction and gentle encouragement, blushing like an idiot the whole time. The two seemed to inexplicably get along, and Asuka swore at the end she saw Rei crack a grotesque, barely-there smile as her nasty ashen cheeks turned a diseased pinkish hue.

Asuka had been waiting for just the right excuse and now she had it. Such scandalous interaction could not be tolerated. It was time to kill one ugly, pasty, blue-haired bird with as many stones as possible.

/\/\/\/\

The doorbell was broken. Figured. And there was no lock. Brilliant. It was like she was asking to be killed for her inept flirting with Shinji. Asuka swung Rei's apartment door open and was forcibly reminded about the girl's sanitary habits.

"Smells like someone took a bloody dump in here," she muttered, wondering if Misato had adopted the less compatible Children. A quick check in the bathroom confirmed that, no, Rei did not own deodorant. "How can Shinji stand to be near her? Did he lose his sense of smell?"

Shinji smelled divine, like a musky wet day after a rainstorm. The kind of musky wet scent that made her musky and wet.

_Don't think about that now,_ she told herself. _You've got deeds to commit._

She managed to beat Rei home by fifteen minutes, which she spent devising ways to combat the pale girl without actually having to touch her. In the end she figured she'd have to at least get her hands dirty, figuratively and literally.

The front door creaked open and Rei entered. To her credit, she didn't startle when Asuka pinned her against the wall in a chokehold.

"Welcome home, First."

"Pilot Soryu," she said blandly. "Why are you in my apartment?"

"A little home renovation. I'm exterminating all the bitches infesting this hovel."

"Section-2 dealt with the stray dog problem in this complex weeks ago."

"… God, I hate you so, so much." Asuka applied pressure to Rei's throat. "You. I was talking about you. I'm going to exterminate you. Bitch."

"Ah. May I ask why?"

"Don't act like you don't know. I saw you today, flirting with Shinji. I won't stand for that collapse of morality."

"You misunderstand; I harbor no romantic intentions for Ikari."

"You expect me to believe that, you pallid harlot?"

"I have spent my entire life with one Ikari," Rei said with what for her passed as a fatigued sigh. "I am not eager to add a second."

"Then how do you explain all this?" Asuka gestured around the room, wallpapered with pictures of Shinji in various states of undress, along with numerous lewd sketches and big hearts with R+S Forever emblazoned inside.

"Artistic curiosity."

"You are so dead."

"Technically," Rei said, "you cannot kill me."

"The arm on your windpipe says otherwise," Asuka growled.

"No, I meant destroying this body will be fruitless." Rei then went on to explain the complex and lengthy cloning procedure that otherwise would fill several paragraphs.

"Huh," Asuka mused, "you really are replaceable, aren't you? Not a problem. I'll just seal you in one of these dilapidated apartments. By the time you die and get reincarnated or whatever, Shinji and I will be long gone and you'll never find us."

"You would take him to Germany."

"How did you—? I mean, no." She tensed her arm. "Say goodnight, First."

"I'll go willingly," Rei stated, hoping to defuse the situation. "There is no need for violence."

Asuka punched her in the back of the head. Her skull slammed into the wall, rendering her unconscious. Asuka gave her another punch for good measure.

"Pfft. No need for violence? Where's the fun in that?" She was about to drag Rei's limp body into a nearby apartment before remembering that would entail touching her again. She settled on kicking her across the floor, then vowing to burn the shoes later. "Gonna have to scrub my feet with steel wool, too. To get all the loser off me."

But it was worth it to dispose of her greatest rival, on and off the battlefield. Which wasn't saying much. With her natural superiority Asuka had no true rivals, and Rei's sloppy attempts at opposition were poor distractions at best, but Shinji was easily distracted.

With Rei's pale, sickly influence removed he'd naturally refocus on the shining brilliance that was Asuka Langley Soryu. And after some drastic modifications to his behavior, appearance, attitude and basic nature, she might one day publically acknowledge him.

/\/\/\/\

Asuka often wondered how, against all odds and common sense, Shinji somehow went from a sort of cute but repulsively infuriating coward to someone worthy of her attention. There were isolated incidents of awesome; manning up to help beat Israfel, jumping into that volcano to save her life, the time she walked in on him in the shower. All of the little, seemingly random positive aspects that infrequently crept through his normal dorky wimpiness stuck in her, building up beneath her radar like an undetected disease. Just when she was sure he was too cowardly and weak to ever pose a threat he metastasized into a malignant emotional tumor that tore her apart from the inside out until all that remained was a rotting shell of her former magnificence.

The only way she saw to regain her self-respect was to somehow transform Shinji into a useful human being, thereby possibly becoming worthy of her affection, or at the very least her tolerance. Until then public humiliation and beatings were obligatory. How her regimen of emotional and physical abuse had yet to produce results was a point of genuine confusion and only served to strengthen her conviction that such treatment was absolutely necessary.

Mostly because love had many unpleasant side effects. Aside from the manic emotional and sticky physical components Asuka was suddenly very conscious of how other women interacted with her Shinji. Because he was hers whether or not he realized it yet. Which he wouldn't. He was a bit dense. But that was sort of cute.

_Stop that!_ Asuka screamed at herself. _Why are all of his many, many monumental failings as a human being suddenly less infuriating?_

It reinforced her concern regarding the other females in his life. And there were so many females. None of them would be able to destroy and reshape Shinji into a proper man like she could. That took love. Human love.

So after observing Shinji fix a special dinner for Pen Pen and the bird's grateful leg hug for the meal, Asuka decided murder was the only rational option. She felt assured Shinji would resist any romantic overtures from the filthy perverted bird but it was in his nature to crumble and submit under any pressure. Yet another reason he needed her love. And only her love.

So it was with a sense of poetic justice that Asuka lured Pen Pen into a false sense of security with one of Shinji's meals, used a cleaver to knock him out, boiled him alive and chopped him into bite-sized chunks with the aforementioned meal prepared by Shinji and served him as dinner to her roommates.

"This is really good," Shinji said, enthusiastic yet demure as he ate. "I'm very impressed."

Asuka bit her tongue to stop from commenting on how he'd be very impressed by anything, including a rock served on a used napkin. It was part of his miserable charm.

"This _is _good," Misato agreed between mouthfuls. Asuka wondered if she should forgo traditional utensils in favor of a shovel. "Who knew you cooked? What's in it?"

"Just something I found in the fridge," Asuka told them.

/\/\/\/\

Following Pen Pen's mysterious disappearance Shinji's schedule freed up dramatically. Asuka never realized how much the bird demanded from him. And once he stopped whining about Pen Pen's mysterious disappearance he'd be able to spend more time with her. Asuka was wholly aware of how much time and effort was required to reshape Shinji, and made the noble sacrifice of accepting the staggering task in full.

"We're going shopping," she informed him one afternoon as school was ending. The boy needed to expand his wardrobe to be presentable next to her. And if he happened to need help dressing because he was so dense, well, who was she to argue?

Shinji looked pained. Asuka was about to give him a real reason for wearing such an expression but Toji rudely interrupted.

"He can't," the jock said. He nodded behind him to Kensuke. "We're going to the arcade. You got to let your husband have some fun now and then."

The blush that enveloped her face did a fine job of masking her sudden decision to kill Toji and Kensuke. With them out of the picture Shinji would have even more free time, and he'd be rid of their disgusting influence. Asuka saw no possible downside.

She also made note of everyone in class who was giggling at the "husband" comment, glaring at her in jealousy, and that one guy in the back making an obscene gesture with his hands.

"I see," Asuka said placidly. Shinji cringed. "Then be sure to have a good time today. Treat it like it was your last day on earth."

Which it was.

Shadowing them to the arcade was child's play. Separating Shinji from them and stuffing him in a bathroom stall was tougher, but not impossible for her brilliance. Waiting for a moment to strike was a matter of patience and timing.

The two boys were at a UFO catcher, trying to win a doll that looked suspiciously like Shinji as a girl. That only reinforced her commitment to murder.

"Hey, idiots," she called out. "Look alive. For the next few moments."

"Soryu?" Toji snorted, looking over his shoulder. "Come to make sure your hubby hasn't run off with someone hotter?"

"That's impossible, for so many reasons."

"Get lost. He's actually having fun for once. We don't need you dropping in to ruin things."

"Speaking of dropping…" Asuka kicked him so hard in the crotch Toji lifted a full foot off the ground. "This is for flashing me on the _Over the Rainbow_, pervert!" She grabbed his head as he fell. "And this is for contaminating my Shinji with your existence!" She slammed Toji's face through the UFO catcher's protective glass, then pushed down, slicing his throat open on a jagged shard.

Kensuke watched in mute horror as his friend bled out over an assortment of colorful plushies.

"Hey," Asuka said to him, wiping a bloody hand on Toji's corpse, "remember when you said you wished a girl like me would order you around, just once? Well here's my order: _Die_."

She grabbed a doll from the open UFO catcher and rushed forward to knee Kensuke in the gut. He tried to scream and found his mouth full of adorable plushie.

"Why, God?" he gave a muffled plea to the heavens.

"Because you're you," Asuka answered. She stuffed the doll down his throat.

Rescuing Shinji from the bathroom was a fitting denouement; she had just saved him from the human excrement that was Toji and Kensuke.

"Asuka!" he startled as she opened the door. "Thank goodness. Someone locked me in here and—"

"Shut up. Oh yeah, I conveniently bumped into Suzahara and Aida while you were in here. They said they never really liked you and that you shouldn't hang out with them or look for them anymore. Brutal, but at least they're honest. Dead honest."

Shinji's lower lip trembled. "They never really liked me?"

"Well, they never said they _did_ like you, did they?" Asuka rolled her eyes. "Oh, lord. Tell you what. Since you look so pathetic right now and are hopeless on your own, I'll tolerate you hanging around with me if I have nothing better to do."

"Th-Thank you, Asuka," he sniffled and gave her a shaky smile that ensured she'd need to change her underwear at some point in the near future.

_Man,_ she thought, _murder makes everything better._

With her two biggest, ugliest bases at school covered, Asuka's next task was to weed out competition at NERV.

/\/\/\/\

"Mr. Kaji, I'm a boy."

"You sure are."

Asuka was reluctant to end the life of her first crush, but after overhearing that little conversation she was left with no alternative. She knew from firsthand observation how dangerous Kaji could be when he set his sights on a target. She was not aware his tastes ran such a wide gamut though she should have expected as much.

After a quick trip to his office to steal his laptop and publish its contents on the web, Kaji simply vanished the next day.

/\/\/\/\

"Ms. Misato, you're my guardian!"

"I'm also your commanding officer, and I'm in a very commanding mood. I hope you're in a submissive one."

Asuka was not reluctant to end the life of her first crush's first love, but after overhearing that little drunken conversation she was happily left with no alternative. Drowning her sorrows following Pen Pen's unexpected disappearance and Kaji's fully expected one, Misato chose to abuse both her official position and her ward. Asuka waited until she literally threw Shinji into her room before smashing an empty liquor bottle over her head and rendering her unconscious. After soothingly ordering Shinji to let her take care of everything and just shut up and go to bed, she dragged Misato's sizable dead weight to the kitchen for a little girl talk.

One funnel and thirty-seven beers later Misato Katsuragi finally died.

Shinji cried at the funeral, of course, but Asuka consoled him with a tender, heartfelt "Stop whining. Be a man." Gendo nodded approvingly, which sort of killed the moment.

Misato's autopsy showed death by alcohol poisoning, which was universally accepted as a long overdue inevitability, despite the initial shock of her dying from too much booze. She died doing what she loved, Ritsuko said solemnly, and acceptance soon followed.

/\/\/\/\

Serial killer was such a distasteful label. Asuka preferred to think she was an agent of romantic Darwinism. Only the strongest could survive being with Shinji and not go insane or commit suicide. Asuka was the strongest and best at everything, so naturally she won by default. Shinji was the weakest and worst at everything, including attention spans, so all possible distractions had to be weeded out. Or violently murdered. Such was the world they lived in.

Confident in her private rationalizations and continued freedom after several homicides, Asuka took a leisurely trip downtown to replace her increasingly blood-splattered wardrobe when she passed by a young girl and flew into action on instinct.

She tripped the girl, smashed her face into the sidewalk and dragged her into an alley before anyone noticed.

"Who are you?" Asuka demanded, pinning her up against the wall.

"Ma-Mana Kirishima," the girl managed to get out.

"Wrong. You're dead."

One grisly, barehanded murder later, Asuka emerged from the alley cleaning the blood off her with the tattered remains of Mana's school uniform.

_I… don't know what came over me. I just knew it would be a bad idea to let her live and possibly meet Shinji._ She shrugged and smiled again. _One less thing to worry about._

/\/\/\/\

The next day after school Asuka again planned Shinji's day, since she always knew what was best for him.

"We're hitting the shopping arcade," she politely ordered. "I'm tired of showing off how flawlessly gorgeous I am in the clothes I own. I require a new wardrobe." That, and the blood-splattering mentioned before. "Oh, and you're paying." She glanced over and sighed at the sniveling mess she was forced to love. "It's been two days. You need to get over Misato's unassisted death."

Shinji stifled another sob and regained composure, which for Shinji was simply not breaking down into hysterical tears. "I-I can't go shopping. Ms. Ritsuko scheduled a physical for me today. I was supposed to go on Tuesday but… but… Ms. Mi-Mi-Mi-Misato was—"

"Wait," Asuka ordered, delaying the imminent deluge of tears. "Akagi is your primary physician?" Asuka gracefully ignored how obvious that was. "How many physicals has she given you?"

"I… I don't know. I lost count. A lot. I mean, I'm a pilot. Don't you have to go through them too?"

Like she'd let some perverted doctor look at her unclothed perfection. As far as Asuka was concerned the entire medical profession was inherently perverted.

"'A lot'?" she repeated. "Like, more than none?"

"… um, yeah…?"

_That blonde hag has seen my Shinji naked?_ she thought in a rage. _And more than once?_ _Unacceptable! This outrage demands murder._ If this wasn't a case for justifiable homicide Asuka didn't know what was.

"Go home," she told him.

"But—"

"Go home and get dinner started. I assure you your appointment will be canceled." She saw him hesitating and cracked a few knuckles. "_I assure you._"

Shinji thusly assured, Asuka checked her watch and sprinted to the nearest tramline into the Geofront. Once inside NERV proper it was a simple task to find Dr. Akagi. Asuka had memorized the schedules of NERV's upper echelon, initially for brownnosing opportunities but now for reasons relating less to kissing ass and more to kicking ass.

She found Ritsuko on the command deck, taking her daily Irish coffee break. The deck was empty, Ritsuko waiting for the afternoon shift change before "tempting the Katsuragi," as drinking was known among the crew. She raised her mug, smiling sadly.

"This is for you, Misato." She took a sip. "But mostly me."

"Good afternoon, Doctor," Asuka greeted, holding her hands behind her back.

"Asuka!" Ritsuko startled, coughing to discreetly check her breath. "What are you doing here?"

"Looking for you, actually. I wanted to talk to you about…" She trailed off, peering over the edge of the command deck. "Wow! That sure is a long drop, isn't it? I doubt anyone could survive a fall from this height. And there's no railing, either. You wouldn't even have to be pushed or anything. One little slip and it would be over. You'd be nothing but a bloody smudge on the floor. The floor waaaaaaay down there. But it _would_ be real easy for, oh say, me to push, oh say, you for, oh say, violating Shinji with your eyes each and every chance you had the urge to conduct one of your little 'checkups' on him."

Ritsuko backed up a few steps.

Asuka suddenly brightened with a sweet smile. "But I'd never push you over this ledge for something like that." She laughed, gently urging Ritsuko to join in, which she did nervously until Asuka stopped dead and her expression darkened. "Pushing you would be too easy." She rushed forward and plunged a knife into her gut. "I want to _feel _the life drain from your old, ugly, bleached sack of a body."

Sixty-two stabs later, one for each year Asuka imagined Ritsuko had lived, the Doctor was on her back choking on blood, wondering how it came to this. Her life ended not for her many, many crimes against humanity, but for her mostly professional treatment of a patient.

Asuka loomed over her, arms and dress soaked in blood. "Make peace with whatever profane god you suck up to because you will be dead very soon. And the last thing you see will be this knife as it carves out your retinas to reclaim all the images you stole of my Shinji."

Ritsuko's last thought was how well Asuka and Yui would have gotten along.

/\/\/\/\

The murder investigation was making very little progress. Asuka wasn't worried, confident in her natural inability to lose in anything, whether it was a video game or escaping homicide charges. She did detect a subtle sense of relief from the Commander following Ritsuko's death, which was a downside, but worth the cost.

After yet another brilliantly successful synch test Asuka strolled the halls of NERV looking for Shinji, aiming to comfort and/or belittle him for being so sensitive over the recent rash of deaths. She found him in the lounge, quietly weeping on a bench, covering his face to hide his weakness.

_Crybaby,_ she thought as she approached him. _The things I have to put up with for love._

It wasn't until she was directly before him, ordering him to toughen up, when she realized it wasn't Shinji, but Maya. Asuka threw up a little in her mouth.

_S-She looked just like him from the back. I cannot make that mistake again._

She had tackled Maya to the ground and was choking her before she realized it.

"Shh, shh," Asuka soothed. "Don't cry. You'll be with your precious senpai soon. I should probably tell you: I was the last thing she saw too. Because I killed her. Oh, don't give me that look. Stop struggling. God, _fine_. How about this. I'll tell you your senpai's last words. Would that make you feel better about being choked to death? They were 'achk, urggh, khaaaaahh' because it was just after I shoved her eyeballs down her throat."

"Senpai," Maya tried to say, but could not summon the necessary strength or air. A moment later her heart stopped and she died.

"Phew!" Asuka said cheerily, wiping away a few stray beads of sweat. "Now what to do with this body." She noticed the garbage incinerator near the vending machines. Now she could dispose of the corpse and grab a nourishing post-murder snack.

She was halfway through stomping Maya down the garbage chute when Shigeru and Makoto entered the lounge, hoping to score some emotionally unstable Ibuki action. Everyone froze.

_Damn,_ Asuka thought. _Shouldn't have had the snack first._

She casually waved. "Hey there, guys."

"What did you—"

Shigeru was too slow to stop the heel that crushed his windpipe. Makoto managed to wet himself before receiving the punch that smashed his nose into his skull, shredding his brain with splintered bone and cartilage.

The incinerators had their fill of meat that day. Asuka had her fill of vending machine snacks.

/\/\/\/\

The deaths of his three top technicians finally forced Gendo to hold some kind of meeting regarding the recent downsizing of his staff. Asuka tuned most of it out after he paid tribute to "the three young men who sacrificed their lives for NERV." She took an uneasy interest when the Commander turned his attention on Shinji as the meeting was breaking up.

"Shinji," Gendo said, which was cause enough for alarm, "I have lost so much these past few days, and I still don't know where Rei is. It's made me realize all I have left is you… son."

Shinji's face lit up in the most euphoric smile Asuka ever saw. Gendo smiled too, but in an I-can't-believe-I-just-pulled-that-off kind of way.

Asuka also smiled.

Feeling good about thrusting more pressure and responsibility onto his moronic son, Gendo retired to his office to plan more nefariousness. If this was all it took to ensure Shinji's cooperation he should have acted desperate from the get-go instead of being all badass and awesomely cool.

But as he opened his office door his plans hit a tiny snag. Fuyutsuki lay on the floor sprawled in a death throe, face frozen in a look of sheer terror.

"This does not bode well," Gendo said. A moment later he heard the soft pop of a silencer and felt a bullet shatter his left kneecap. His legs buckled and he collapsed.

"Wow," Asuka said, crawling out from under his desk. She idly twirled Gendo's office pistol on her finger. "You didn't cry out or anything. I'm almost impressed." She cocked the gun. "I have to admit your little gambit to make Shinji an obedient lapdog had merit, but you failed to calculate for my willingness to slaughter you like a pig. And granted, I wanted to savor this for a week or two of vicious torture and genital mutilation, you are the root cause of my Shinji's many, many failings, but I've got stuff to do. We'll have to make this quick."

"Y-You killed Fuyutsuki," Gendo coughed out, trying to buy time.

"Well, I was _going_ to. I jumped out from behind the desk to surprise him and he had a heart attack or something. Pretty pathetic."

"Shinji won't forgive you for this."

Asuka was still laughing five minutes later. "Are you kidding?" she finally managed, holding her sides. "He'll be upset, but only because he didn't get to finish you off himself. I'll make it up to him."

She leveled the gun at his face and unloaded both the clip and Gendo's brains all over the floor.

/\/\/\/\

Hikari wasn't sure why Asuka insisted she wear a red wig and wander aimlessly around town for hours at a time but she knew better than to ask questions. She also wasn't sure why Asuka donned a hat and dark sunglasses during these same periods, but again, Hikari was at peace with the inequity in their friendship. Mostly because she saw how Asuka treated her enemies, real and perceived. No less than twenty-nine girls were forced to move out of the city after a concentrated campaign of rumors and outright threats. Sixteen more simply disappeared.

The male population had been literally halved.

So when she received a call from Asuka to meet in an isolated public restroom on the shady side of town, she hurried over despite any personal misgivings. She was about to comment on the blood on her clothes but decided against it.

The girls shed their respective disguises and crawled out the window into an adjoining alley. Back in blood-free clothes, Asuka stretched contentedly. Hikari had to ruin the moment with inane worries.

"Are you sure we won't get into trouble doing, um, whatever it is we're doing?"

"Even those perverts from Section 2 don't watch me _every _second," Asuka said. "And what did I tell you about questioning my orders?"

"Sorry," Hikari immediately squeaked.

"I'll let it slide this time. Now update me on what that moron Shinji has been doing while I was off securing our futures."

She secretly found it cute how protective her friend was of Shinji, and wished she'd just go out with him. To voice such an opinion would be tantamount to suicide though. More than she knew. "Oh, um, not much. I'm… surprised he hasn't noticed I'm not you—"

"Well, I am much prettier and better at everything. But he's an idiot."

"R-Right," Hikari said, weeping internally. "Anyway, he's been sticking to the schedule you gave me. He cooks and cleans for me, er, I mean you, irons your clothes, does your homework and gives great foot massages. And he does it all without complaining, and the littlest compliment makes him so happy. He is so sweet," Hikari said in a slightly pitying manner, though appreciative and purely platonic.

The universe screeched to a halt and Hikari felt the prickly fingers of death slide around her throat as Asuka turned on her with a dull gleam in her eyes.

_Oh dear God she's going to kill me._ She did her best not to soil herself. A class representative had to observe a certain level of decorum.

_Well, I'm going to have to kill her._ Asuka sighed helplessly, and swiftly snapped her neck. Watching Hikari's lifeless body crumple to the ground she felt her only friend at the very least deserved a quick death.

/\/\/\/\

The afternoon sun just began slipping behind the hills bordering Tokyo-3 and Asuka and Shinji walked through the deserted streets on their way home after Hikari's funeral. Shinji found her in high spirits despite that. It worried him a little.

"You know, this recent string of horrific unsolved murders got me thinking," he began, pausing for the inevitable insult about him using his brain. He was pleasantly surprised when none came. "Well, I felt guilty when my father died, but only because I didn't feel sad. But when I was the only one who showed up for the funeral, and I mean the only one, I had to bury him and perform the service by myself, it made me realize I don't want to end up like he did. Not the whole brutally murdered part, though that did look unpleasant, but winding up alone. Our lives could end at any time from Angels or inventive serial killers. So I decided even if I get hurt, it's better than living like my father. And since I decided that I, well, it's kind of embarrassing, but I realized…" He turned to Asuka and smiled gently. "… I'm in love."

Asuka stumbled. _Down, girl! Play it cool! You didn't commit all that murder just to blow your advantage now. Even if that smile just completely destroyed your underwear's saturation tolerance._ She collected herself and regained a steady, casual stride. "So who's the recipient of this happy little revelation?"

"Someone brilliant, beautiful, strong, passionate and unique, with exotic features and an uncanny natural talent for everything they try. I could never be jealous, only awed. I know I'm not worthy but I'll try my hardest to somehow give proper recognition to the perfection of my love."

Asuka failed to contain the prideful grin that spread over her face. She liked how he thought. It was about time he realized the basic facts of life.

"I've never been in love before," Shinji went on, "but I know this has to be it. I could never be with anyone else." His features suddenly brightened as he looked down the street. "Ah! And there he is now!"

"'_He?'"_ she repeated.

Ahead of them, approaching at a leisurely, confident gait was a tall young man with pale skin and silvery hair. In the fading light his red eyes were clearly visible.

"You're _gay?_" Asuka cried.

"I thought it was obvious," Shinji said with a shrug. He then hurried forward to meet his beloved.

"Then all that murder was for nothing!"

The two boys embraced and Asuka successfully staved off vomiting all over the sidewalk. The insane sociopathic rampage of death and destruction she waged against her coworkers and only friend in the world threatened to crush a sorely neglected conscience until she remembered they all had it coming. No use crying over spilt milk. In fact, she probably did them a favor. What were they contributing to society? If anything, they were getting in the way of the rest of the world recognizing how awesome she was. And all that was in the past anyway.

"This is Kaworu Nagisa," Shinji gushed, bringing him back to his roommate. "He just transferred here. And he's _older_." He turned and smiled up at the other boy. "Isn't he great?"

"The pleasure is mine," Kaworu said breezily.

"Charmed," Asuka responded, using the pretense of a low curtsey to heft a sizable rock from the ground. In a flash she leapt and gracefully kicked Shinji in the back of the head, knocking him unconscious. She used his body as a springboard and launched herself at Kaworu, pinning him to the ground.

"I'm pleased to finally meet you," he said with the same calm affability. "Shinji speaks often about y—"

The rock shattered his front teeth. The next strike crushed his nose. Then his left cheek. Then his right temple. Then his windpipe. Then his left eye burst.

"Die die die die die die die die die die _die_ _die die die die die die DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE!_"

Asuka sat back panting for breath. All that remained of Kaworu Nagisa's head was a lumpy red stew of brain pulp and bone fragment. The sidewalk was nearly purple with blood.

After dousing the corpse with gasoline and her urine she lit it on fire and spent a relaxing sunset watching it burn to an unrecognizable husk. As Shinji began to stir she quickly dragged him away from the scene and called upon all the skills she honed using disguises to murder people.

/\/\/\/\

"What happened?" Shinji wondered aloud, regaining consciousness. "It felt like Asuka kicked me in the back of the head."

"Shinji."

He looked up and found Kaworu standing over him, offering a pale hand up. Shinji blushed as he took it and was hauled to his feet.

"Wasn't Asuka here a minute ago?" he asked, getting his bearings as he gently touched the massive bleeding lump on the back of his head.

"No; you must be imagining things," Asuka responded, incognito as Kaowru, lowering her voice only slightly to imitate that effeminate bitch.

Shinji loved the beautiful and perfect Kaworu and had no reason not to believe an obvious lie. "Oh. Then I must have imagined it." He looked at the sky. "Wow. It's already so late. S-So, are we still on for tonight?" he asked with a bright blush.

"Of course. Ah, what are we doing again?"

He blushed harder. "You said we could go to your place, and, um, you know…"

_Jackpot._ "Shinji, do you love me?" Asuka asked. "Truly and forever no matter what?"

"Of course!"

"Then I have quite a surprise for you tonight."

/\/\/\/\

The end

Author notes: one of my favorite scenes from EoE is Asuka gleefully slaughtering all those JSSDF troops. She just looks so damn happy. Thus, her unusual predisposition to murder in this. Or something.

On a related note, what the hell _was_ this?

Hmm. Asuka sure knocked a lot of people unconscious in this. Real creative, Adam.

Also, I am aware I mixed anime and manga continuity regarding Kensuke and Toji meeting Asuka. I don't give a shit.

OMAKE

This entire pile of crap was an omake gone wrong.


End file.
